The Middle Room

The angelic, middle-aged woman stares back at me, waiting for a response. If I wasn’t still in shock, I might ask how she gets her teeth to sparkle like that. She’s an angel, idiot. I don’t think she’s blinked once since I first arrived. 

“Would you like me to repeat the question, love?” 

“Oh, uh…Yes. I mean, yes please-or yes please, Ma’am,” I sigh. “Sorry, I’m new at this.” She must think I’m a mess, or she’s questioning if I’m in the right place.

“My dear, please don’t worry yourself about formalities. You’re doing just fine, and I’ll let you in on a little secret,” she leans in closer. “Everyone is new at this.”

Her laugh fills my ears and my heart. It’s laced with the warmth of every Hallmark Christmas movie ever made.

“Right. Thank you,” I say, trying to mimic her perfect smile. “I guess, yes, then. I would like to relive a day.”

I swear her smile grows wider, if that’s even possible. Her slim fingers begin slamming the keys on the large keypad. If someone had told me three hours ago that I’d be here, in The Middle Room, deciding if I wanted to enter the beyond or redo a day of my life, or past life, I guess, I’d tell them they were insane. I don’t think anything could’ve prepared me for this moment. 

“Alright Miss Ray, what day would you like to relive? Please remember, your death will stay permanent, so all days of your life are available for reliving. With that being said, nothing you do will change the course of your life. This is for your peace of mind and will not impact any currently living person’s life,” the angel says. 

I blink, trying to process all that information. What day do I most regret? 

A few embarrassing falls and bad hair days come to mind first. I could always go back to my brother’s first day of high school. It was my senior year, so Dad made us pancakes and bacon in celebration. Timmy tried to act confident walking into the brick hellhole, surrounded by my senior friends. I even believed him until he reached over to squeeze my hand. It was quick, but I felt it. I nudged him in response, as if to say, ‘I got you’. It was the first time he showed me any type of affection since he was in diapers. It was the beginning of our unspoken Ray sibling alliance. 

The angel, (god, what is her name?), clears her throat. I feel her eyes, ironically, burning into me. Okay, Posie, think. My mind feels like mush as I rack my brain for more memories. Maybe I should just do the memory of Timmy on his first day. It would be a sweet-BAM! Flashes of a memory appear in my mind. Perfect. 

“Miss angel-er wait, no- I’m sorry miss-?” 

“Prose, dear. Angelina Prose.”

“Right, thank you. Miss Prose, I’ve decided what day I would like to relive,” I say. 

I feel a familiar uncomfortable, cold feeling on my underarms. I’m about to make the most important decision of my life. Most important decision of my old life. Miss Prose stares up at me with a slight tilt of her head, as if waiting for me to continue. “Do I just tell you what day I want to return to?”

“You can. Or you could just think very clearly of the day in question, and I’ll have you there faster than you can say The Middle Room,” she says. 

I nod slowly. I strain my neck to take a good look at the room surrounding me. The once bigger than life itself, pun intended, room seems so small now, like the walls are caving in on me. I was so thankful to be in The Middle Room when I first arrived. After all, it was here or the side room. According to Miss Prose, The Side Room has to relive the day they regret the most until they finally understand the true message of it and have peace enough to move on to the end room. The End Room is where souls live on for eternity after they die on Earth. 

I always worried about if I was gonna end up in Heaven or Hell, but they’re about as real as ghosts, which coincidentally, also don’t exist. Miss Prose says our souls can’t leave the end room once we enter. We immediately get transferred there after we relive our day, or we find peace in The Side Room. There’s no way for ghosts to even get the chance to exist; none of it really makes sense to me. 

“Miss Ray, if you could please focus on a memory, it would be greatly appreciated.”

My eyes widen in embarrassment. Her perfect smile looks strained now. Way to go, you managed to annoy a fricken angel. I become aware of the cold sensation under my arms again as I close my eyes, letting my mind wander through the years of memories, before settling on one specific day. My shoulders feel heavy like there’s something draped over them. My mouth is dry, but a feeling of hope enters my heart. I feel warm all over. My ears are filled with cheers so loud that I almost miss Miss Prose’s last words to me. 

“Good luck, love.”

My eyes snap open to the sound of my phone ringing. Thank the lord, it was just a dream. The incessant car horn of a ringtone echoes throughout my room once again. With a very unladylike grunt, I press the green button and hold my phone to my ear, not looking at the name that lights up the screen. 

“Posie, are you almost ready? You know we need to be there by 9:15 if we want to avoid waiting for hours.” The sound of honks echoes through the line. “Nice blinker, idiot!” 

“Wait, Macy, be where by 9:15?”

Macy sighs and mumbles something under her breath, but I can’t make it out. I can hear the frown in her voice. 

“Senior breakfast. Po, come on, we really don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be the first one there to put all of our names down,” she says. 

Senior breakfast? Why would we go to the senior breakfast as juniors in college? I try to blink the confusion away. Sitting up in my twin bed, I reach to my fan and yawn. A beat goes by. Holy Crap. I’m reliving my graduation day. 

“Macy? Are you still there?”

“Duh.”

I cringe at the cold tone in her voice. 

“Right, sorry. I’ll be ready in 10,” I say. I don’t give her a chance to argue as I’m already hanging up the phone.

Ten minutes to the second, there’s rapid knocking on the front door. I can’t help the tears that threaten to fall as I open the door to Macy, tapping her foot against the ‘Welcome’ mat. God, I’m gonna miss you so much. She tugs my wrist, shouting a quick, “Hello!” and, “See ya later Mrs. R!” 

We trip over our feet, giggling, as we make our way to her white Ford Fusion. Macy always has a crease between her brows, so seeing her look so peaceful, makes me feel alive. 

“Dude, what took you so long? You’ve known about this for weeks,” she says. 

If it weren’t for the soft smile gracing her features, I’d think she was annoyed. Or maybe she is annoyed; you never really know with Macy. 

“I know, I know. I just woke up feeling…out of place?”

“What do you mean?” Macy asks.

How do I explain that without telling her I’m dead?

“I just felt a little discombobulated, or I still feel like it. I don’t really know,” I say. 

Macy reaches for the radio dial. The white noise of Lana Del Rey fades away. She pulls into Sunset Bay Cafe and pulls the key out of the ignition. Florida heat fills the car, as soon as the AC stops blowing. My breath catches in my throat as Macy turns to fully face me. 

“Talk to me,” she says. 

“How long do you think we’ll be friends?” A thin layer of sweat forms above my brows due to the mix of humidity and anxiety. Macy doesn’t miss a beat in answering. 

“Forever,” she says. 

The tears are back, but their threat to spill is harder to ignore. 

“What if we don’t have forever?”

“Why are you asking me this, Po?”

I don’t have the heart to tell her. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to tell her. 

“I’m just- I’m worried about college,” I say. Her posture loosens and she rolls her eyes. I know she thinks I sound ridiculous. I think I sound ridiculous. We’ve been friends since we were eight, and our schools are only an hour away from each other. Why would college change anything? It’s a stupid thing to worry about considering we do stay friends during college. I guess I’m not supposed to know that though. 

“Posie, I can promise you right now that we will be friends forever,” she says. 

That’s one of the things I love about Macy. She always makes me feel like my feelings are validated. All I can manage to get out is a small smile and nod. Anything more and I might break down. 

With the reassurance that my outburst is done, Macy reaches for the door handle. I avoid the cracks in the concrete as we make our way towards the brick building. There’s really no point in avoiding bad luck. I just can’t help myself.

A bell rings above us, causing the host to lift his head from his phone. I can’t believe I forgot where exactly we were going. 

“Hey Sis!” 

Timmy’s loose curls hang over his eyes. Mom always tells him he needs to cut it, but I think it reflects Timmy’s vibe well. The Timmy I’ve gotten used to stands at 6 foot 2, and only wears, according to him, “the coolest new threads”. This Timmy is shorter and less trendy; it’s comforting to see this version of him again. 

“Hey Tim, can we get a table for six?” Macy asks, bringing me back to the present. To the past. 

“Yeah, of course. You guys excited for tonight? Knowing you two, I’m surprised you’re not already getting ready,” Timmy says. His laughter fuels my heart with warmth. A warmth I’ve felt before…with Miss Prose.

Macy bounces on the balls of her feet. “I’m so excited! I’m not so sure about this one,” she says, her thumb poking me in the shoulder. “I practically had to drag her out of bed.”

The lines around Timmy’s eyes grow, as does his smile. 

“Why am I not surprised?” he says.

“Hey, watch it dork, or I might just forget to drive you to soccer practice tomorrow,” I say. We both know I’d never actually do it. Timmy loves soccer almost as much as Macy loves being in charge. 

“Alright, I’m sorry,” he says, barely containing his amusement. 

A silence falls over us, but no one seems to mind. I’m so caught up in trying to memorize every one of Timmy’s features that I miss him telling us to follow him. By the time we make it to the rectangular table in the corner of the cafe, the remaining four of our group are waving at us through the small window that displays the rundown parking lot. 

Macy leaps from her seat and meets them at the front. I stay put, watching the scene unfold. Lori and Adelynn are tackled to the ground in a Macy-snug, as we call it, while Miller and Grayson hold on to each other to avoid falling in a fit of laughter. I love my friends. 

“You’re gonna miss them when you’re gone, aren’t you?” 

Timmy. What does he mean when I’m gone? Does he know? No, that’s not possible.

My voice is shaky as I speak. “What do you mean by ‘when I’m gone’?” I don’t remember him saying that before. 

He leans against the table, shoving his hands into the pockets of his khakis. His eyes squint like he’s searching for something. 

“When you’re at college?”

“Oh, right, gone at college. Yeah, I’m going to miss them a lot,” I sigh. “Before them, I didn’t know who I was or what I could be. I was just a shell of the person Mom and Dad wanted. Or what society thought I should be. They loved me no matter what for the past four years, and I’ll never forget that.”

I meet Timmy’s eyes and there’s a single tear forming, but he makes no move to wipe it. Instead, he lets it take its natural course down the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m gonna miss you a lot, Pos,” he says. “It’s gonna be weird without you around.”

My heart breaks as he says this. Timmy doesn’t even know the reality of his words. 

“I’m gonna miss you more, Tim. Don’t ever doubt that.” A small smile forms on his face contradicting the pool of tears coating his pale cheeks. “Hey, come on, no tears today, dork. It’s just graduation, no big deal.”

I shove his shoulder, trying to distract him and myself from the conversation. 

“First graduation, then, last summer of freedom. Next thing you know, you’re off on your own in the world, and we’ll never see you again.” He takes a breath, hesitating, before going on. “You’ll forget all about us because that’s what happens after high school. You start your real life.”

Miss Prose did not prepare me for this conversation. Past Timmy did not prepare me for this conversation. I did not prepare me for this conversation.

My eyes are a broken tap now, a never-ending stream of tears. I grab Timmy’s hands in my own. I know my friends are watching us, but I don’t care. 

“I will never forget about you, Timmy James Ray,” I say, feeling his hands begin to shake. “Sure, I’ll be starting my life outside of Destin, but that doesn’t mean I forget about all the memories, or people that are still here. It’s not about starting a new life, Timmy. It’s about expanding my current one.” I barely have time to get out my last word as I’m wrapped in Timmy’s arms. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

I pull away from the hug but keep my hands on his shoulders. 

“You don’t have to thank me Tim. That’s what big sisters are for.” I wipe the last of his tears away. “Besides, there really is no reason to get upset. I’m not leaving you today.”

Except I was. 

The rest of our “family” breakfast was filled with stories of the past four years, laughs, and above all else, tears. By the time Macy dropped me back at my house it was time to get ready for the last night of my conscious life on Earth. 

Time slows as my classmates and I walk, single file, to our respected seats. Without the fear of tripping or missing my turn when they call my name, I try to allow myself to appreciate the world around me. Hundreds of kids in blue gowns, identical to mine, fill the space of our school football field. 

My throat feels dry, and my toes curl in my heels. The weight of the gown doubles on my shoulders, causing them to slump down. Cheers and whistles of proud parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends reach my ears. A familiar warmth fills my body once more, chasing any feelings of doubt away. I look to the stands and just manage to catch a mop of curly hair. Mom is clapping so fast, her face flushes. Dad just stands tall, slowly waving his ginormous hand at me. I can’t help but wave back. Timmy smiles and nods, as if to say, ‘I got you’.

Once my cap is in the air with all the others, time slows once more. My eyes sweep through my old peers for the last time. In this moment, I forget about death, Miss Prose, and The Middle Room. All I feel is hope. Hope for my new life. Hope for the continuation of this life.